tabula rasa

a table full of empty glasses
and dirty plates from dinner
the last guest left
music is off
I simmer

 

silence has fallen down on me
and its waves carry me away
from familiar shores
into uncharted waters
I stray

 

only the lazy kitchen clock
still follows in the tracks of time
mechanical seconds
spill onto walls
and climb

 

up my ears into the eardrums
drowning my contemplations out
I wait yet I’m not sure
what I am waiting for
which doubt

 

they reach me slowly one by one
they greet me and sit down
the dirty table
they won’t mind
I frown

 

why do I have these feelings when
silence falls down embracing me
am I alone
shipwrecked somewhere
at sea

 

inside of me I see the void
has it perhaps always been there
I turn around
it always has
I swear

 

I’ve ran from it the time is ripe
to embrace what embraces me
I won’t fight back
and will not bow
won’t flee

 

I’ve tried to fill the void but can’t
fill it with vices and affections
they widened it
despite my good
intentions

 

every friendly voice in my ear
every cigarette and glass of wine
every project
every joint
every line

 

sunken into the emptiness
I want to breathe and reemerge
lone in the dark
I reflect on
every urge

 

I’ve been indulgent with myself
allowing comforts for the soul
and for the body
to dig for me
a hole

 

it won’t be easy to climb up
the void I dug on my own here
fill it just once
fill it for all
no fear

 

this is the path I have to walk
for I have erred incessantly
redeemed I’ll be
when the void filled
certainly

 

from now on I have just myself
to pass this perilous chasm
put it behind me
now that the die
is cast

 

it’s time to wipe the table clean
start from today anew
send doubts away
meditate on
what’s true

 

18th January 2024